anesthesia
by little miss jolie
Summary: Like the sweet cream filling of Petra's custard-tart, it's the insignificant moments far and in between. {eremika, rivetra, jeanmarco, others) anthology. prompted drabbles. T for cussing and stuff.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n: yayy welcome to the ultimately-stuff-i-shouldn't-be-doing-cuz-studying-and-other-fanfics-and-original-fics-to-finish anthology!**

 **XXX**

 **o1- craptastic coffee**

 **shipping- rivetra**

 **XXX**

"This is possibly the most craptastic, shitty, fucking _godawful_ coffee I have _ever drank in my entire damn life._ "

Petra was glad that she wasn't sipping at her own tea. If she had, she'd probably snort, choke, and spew it out of her nose all over her fancy, silk dress.

Yeah. That was best avoided.

Levi, looking very uncomfortable in his suit and tie, whispered the venomous words. Under his dark fringes obscuring his eyes and forehead, he peeked at the happy couple.

Damn, kids grow up fast.

Mikasa and Eren, clad in their white groom and bride gowns, dancing in eachothers' arms on the dance floor. Mikasa had a laurel of roses on her crown, her short bride's veil slightly longer than her hair. Admittedly, in her long, white silk and satin gown, the red scarf looked a bit odd. But no one dared to comment on that (of fear of ruining her special day as well as having a blade shoved up their nose.)

Eren, looking all suave in his white suit and red rose in his lapel, beamed at his wife. For once, he had actually combed his hair from the combination of Jean's and Armin's nagging. A soft waltz played from the stereos set up in the large reception room the hotel had provided, picked by Sasha herself. The bridesmaid apparently had good taste in music, as well as food.

Jean, Bertholdt, Reiner and Connie were getting absolutely wasted and drunk like real manly men at the back of the room, looking all suave in their tuxes. Armin, red-faced, attempted to fended off their attempts to shove vodkas down his throat. The rest of the bridesmaids hung around their respective boyfriends. An insistent Sasha complained loudly, tugging at Jean's sleeve for him to dance with her. Annie sat quietly next to Armin, looking as amused as anything as emotionally constipated could. Hanji was busy partying on the dance floor, screaming and headbanging (Petra sighed, mourning the waste it was to do Hanji's hair and stick her in an expensive dress) with a determinedly cool and calm Erwin.

Levi gagged, nearly throwing up the shit coffee he just chugged. Petra spared him a pitying glance, smoothing the skirt of her cream silk dress and patting him on the back.

"Just yesterday, it seemed like I was raising the delinquents," Levi muttered, accepting a napkin from Petra and dabbing at his mouth. He avoided looking at her directly, instead eyeing Eren and Mikasa, because frankly, he'd probably be blinded by her radiance.

Petra, granted, was already an attractive young woman. It was her combined looks, talent at her job, and gentle and kind but firm personality that had attracted the co-owner of the Freedom Legion Inc.

She usually dressed in a simple black pencil skirt and a crisp white blouse, her short hair flowing free during her job. But tonight, her hair hung in soft curls accentuating her face, a headband perched on her head with a crimped flower of gold satin and pearls sewn into the petals. Her dress was simple and classy. The dress had thin spaghetti straps, a thick sash tied in a thick bow in the back, and a short, straight skirt that flowed around her knees. She didn't put on any makeup, but Levi decided she'd look good in anything.

She laughed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Her long, spidery fingers brushed his shoulders. "Aw, you've just never been a fan of sappy romance."

"Damn right, woman," he whispered, lips at her ear, "I'm into the hot kind of romance. Oh, and the women who make some good coffee after a _long_ night"

Petra immediately choked, spewing out her own tea.

He smirked.

Served her right.


	2. Chapter 2- SPECIAL CRACK CHAPTER WHOHOO

**a/n: AHAHHAAH HI**

 **so midnight crackshipping brainstorming leads to many things**

 **WHAT HAPPENS IN SKYPE STAYS IN SKYPE**

 **xxxxx**

 **o2. the 'roid raging crack**

 **prompt: "GOD LEVI WHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH THE BROOM"**

 **"WELL IVE HEARD YOU WERE MACKING OUT WITH A TREE BEHIND MY BACK LAST TUESDAY SO SNAP"**

 **shipping: (okay srsly this makes no sense get ready)**

 **levi x cleaningsomething**

 **petra x tree**

 **(but mostly rivetra lol)**

 **xxxx**

It was a glorious morning for the citizens of Wall Rose. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and oh-

Forgot about the Titans. Sorry 'bout that.

So, yeah. It was utter chaos. The authoress had been released to run rampant amongst the darkest corners of the fandom archive and decided to bring havoc to the beloved characters by hyping all of them up on crack. She had also decided to breath the Fourth Wall (hah! she is PUNishing the Titans!) for the fun of a more exciting narration. She had set the Titans loose in Wall Rose because she felt quite bored, and for the lolz also opened the walls to Wall Sina. Hah. Have fun picking off those Titans, Historia. Letting your mighty girlfriend do all the work. Pity for you, Ymir.

Reiner and Bertholdt were randomly dropped in the midst of the chaos, and were currently scratching their heads in utter confusion as a Titan began to hipthrust in front of them as well as devouring some civilians. They were considering shifting to their respective Titan forms and rekting the Scrubber Duckies and the n00bcakes (as the authoress herself was quite a geek and fond of the gaming lingo) but the authoress decided in her sadistic delight she enjoyed their suffering, so she left them as it.

The Survey Corps were on the job, backing up the lame-ass pansies known as the Garrison as well as every-posh-damn-high-school-valedictorian-prep-there-ever-lived- aka the Military Police. (No, seriously. Who the _frick_ picked the unicorn of all things to be their emblem? And it was _green._ Like, the unicorn ate one too many rainbow-sparkly-pink cookies and threw it all up. And somehow, his fabulous silky mane was left untouched. What were they going to do, anyway? Fart out rainbows and poop cupcakes and spear the Titans with their sparkly diamond horns?)

Eren was currently in his crotchless-sex-on-legs mode (oh, sorry, that's just the authoress's way of pointing out the utter fanservice him in his Titan form provided), flanked by Mikasa sporting her red scarf as usual and Armin in the He-Man costume BECAUSE THE HE CAN.

Jean was slicing down Titans at the speed of light with the head of a horse grafted on the base of his neck like an inverted centaur ripped off from Shakespeare's _A Midsummer's Night Dream_ (a literal Horse-face, hah), aided by the holy light of the Freckled Jesus (aka his Marco in Heaven) who had half his face shadowed and a halo and the fab Xenoblade High Entia wings on his head. Because angels with wings on their back are too mainstream, jeez.

Erwin was pulling a Naruto and fighting with one arm (though he still had yet to acquire a prosthetic one), as well as screaming encouragement to his soldiers as he chucked kunai and fuma shuriken at the Titans. Ineffective, but he had Hanji, dressed as skimpily and swinging as wildly from her 3DMG like a Tarzan-gone-wild-on-steroids kind of way, backing him up.

Oh, and Petra and Levi? Yeah. Um.

Let the games begin.

XXX

The authoress knew that everyone was almost aware of Levi's near fetish of cleanliness. She also decided to refer herself in third-person in this narration as it supposedly made her 'more legit.' Seemed legit at the time she decided it.

So deciding to hype up that obsession, she forced Levi to fall in love with the closet of his cleaning supplies.

The heichou/uber-buff Napoleon/Poncho!Sasuke was wandering down the halls, aimlessly. Oddly, he appeared to be fully armed and equipped with his 3DMG. His subordinates spared him a bemused glance as they raced past him, down the hall to join their fellow comrades in battle with the perpetually naked, porn star-resembling monsters that were currently divesting food from the Walls to sate their insatiable hunger. The authoress also decided that perhaps using over-fancy words and run on sentences like J.R.R. Tolkien to express the utter sardonic and sarcastic tone of the fanfiction was not a good idea. So she decided to attempt and stop the practice.

Back to the story.

He was meandering down the halls with a dreamy expression that could only be described akin to a sleepwalking person. (That was not quite the case. Being bent to the will of an authoress was known to have side effects of dopey expressions, but otherwise unless said authoress decided to be a d-bag and distort the laws of canon and OOC-ness, Levi would be quite himself though seemingly lead by an odd unearthly voice leading him to do certain things. Again, with the run-on sentences.) Soon the halls were empty and devoid of any other life besides himself.

His closet of beloved cleaning supplies down the sketchily-described halls of the castle the authoress was too tired and lazy to look up to properly paint wasn't too far, not. In fact, if he just walked down this corridor… and passed that door… ahark! There doth be the closet of his beloveds!

(She also decided that her limited exposure and knowledge to and of Shakespeare could lead to serious butchering of the language. So she stopped. But she was not, alas, an infallible being, thenceforth she would most likely butcher the English language again the future. Be it by middle English or by her simple lack of grammar in the contemporary language.)

With a great un-Levi-ish cry (she took back what she said earlier- because this is a crack!fic by all technicalities, the laws of canon do not simply apply to a few things) and a great gleam in his eye, that could only be described as unrequited and pure love, he ripped the door off its hinges with his bulging biceps that the authoress drooled over. His dark hair shadowing his face, he fell upon the midst of his beloved companions.

Time and time again, his friends had left him, by their own volition or not. He had a very fudged up social life, to say the least. But, his cleaning tools had never left him.

"Chlorox," he murmured, voice choked with emotion as the authoress decided that some contemporary disinfecting wipes ought to have some place in this historical AU, "don't ever think that I have forgotten you." His voice was rough and gravelly with emotion.

"And you, broom…" his voice trailed off as he caressed the cheap pine wood of the broom's handle. He took in all of it's glory- the nicked pine handle, the hodgepodge of straw and twigs strapped to its end; the fraying rope holding the straw and twigs to the handle and the way the light reflected off of the oiled pine… "I would never forget about you."

He continued to greet each and every one of his 'lovers' with great emotion and each of their utterly generic and uncreative names, unknownst that behind him, there was a figure.

Petra stood, half-covered by the wall, at the end of the hall. She had just barely begun to turn around the corner, as to inquire where her beloved lover was as the Titans were attacking and they were dire straits and desperately needed Humanity's Strongest soldier. Instead, she had an eyeful of her supposedly-faithful man cheating on her with the cleaning supplies.

Well.

Two could play at that game.

(And then the authoress facepalmed at her own ingenuity.)

XXX

"I don't understand!" Petra wailed, sobbing in the most undignified manner. Snot dripped from her nose, tears streaking down her face and dripping into animated puddles at her feet. She had her arms wrapped around the base of one of the freakishly tall trees in the Forest of Death (well, at least as far as her arms could've gone). She pounded on it's base, sobbing into its rough wooden bark and subsequently snorting up a couple ants.

She was also indeed dressed for battle, but had ditched the idea of defending humanity to nurse her _utterly shattered, broken, and torn heart whose pain could only match the authoress's after finish certain animes or reading an incredibly emotional fanfic that hit her right in the feels._ So by the POWERS OF THE TELEPORTATION Petra found herself plopped conveniently in the middle of the large forest.

"Why- was he- cheating- on me with- the cleaning supplies?" she hiccuped, wiping the snot off her face with her sleeve. The authoress contemplated turning the tree she was hugging into a Deku tree, but that would cause wanton crossovers along with the already-mentioned references to Naruto and so-forth.

The tree replied with:

Nothing. Silence.

Duh. It's a tree. Tree's don't talk.

"Petra…"

A familiar voice called her name. Ooh, hot damn on a stick _yes_ she knew that voice. That voice was just sooooo sexy, it sent all of the Shingeki no Kyojin and Kuroko no Basket fangirls running for their money (well, Petra included too, if she was being honest with herself).

Standing behind her, stood a totally impassive Levi. His face, so youthful (she could almost hear Mighty Guy and Rock Lee screaming "THE POWER OF YOUTH" from the completely separate universe) for his age. Unmarred by weathered aging lines or wrinkles, Levi regarded her with the coolness- if not bordering slightly arctic-cold- he was renowned for.

"Why are you cheating on me with… the not-Deku tree?" (She wondered how he was knowledgeable of a fandom other than theirs.)

Her pent up emotions rose up, fighting to break free. Another sob erupted from her throat as her story was let loose. "GOD, LEVI WHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH THE BROOM? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME, YOU SELFISH JERK! HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME! LIKE THE BROOM'S ROUGH TWIGS AND STRAWS COULD COMPARE TO _MOI!_ "

"WELL, I'VE HEARD YOU WERE MAKING OUT WITH THIS SAME TREE BEHIND MY BACK LAST TUESDAY, SO SNAP!" he yelled back, stomping his feet like a petulant child (and yelling like one, too).

Ah, love. It is truly timeless and knows no bounds.

XXXX

 **a/n: OKAY I LIED MOST OF THIS IS CRACK**

 **OKAY IMMA SLEEP NOW SO PEACE**


End file.
